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VEGAS FREAK
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(United States)About me
| Presentation | Q: Why didn’t Barbie ever get pregnant? A: Because Ken came in a different box. Q. What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common? A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed. One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, while questioning him about his life, she asked him how he had sex. “What sex? ” he asked. She explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said “Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree. ” Horrified, she said, “Tarzan, you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly. ” She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. “Here,” she said, “you can put it in here.” Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave Jane a kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, “What the hell did you do that for? ” “Tarzan not stupid—check for bees.” Three cowboys — from Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Texas—are sitting around a fire. The Oklahoma cowboy gloats, “Just the other day, a bull gored six men in the corral, but I wrestled it to the ground with my hands.” The Arkansan replies, “Oh, yeah? Yesterday a 15-foot rattler came at me, so I grabbed it, bit its head off, and spit the poison into a spittoon 15 yards away.” The Texan stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis. A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside, leave ’em there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?" The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps. After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals—unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered. "Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd. After a few seconds, a blonde woman timidly speaks up. "I’ll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle." A guy has a few drinks at a bar, then heads to the rest room. While he’s doing his business, a very short man takes the urinal next to him and whips out a 10-inch johnson. “I’m sorry for staring,” says the guy, “but you’re huge.” “That’s because I’m a leprechaun,” says the short man. “All leprechauns are well-endowed.” “I’d do anything to have a penis that size,” sighs the guy. “It just so happens that I can grant wishes,” says the leprechaun. “If you let me have sex with you in the bathroom stall, I’ll give you a bigger penis.” The man thinks it over and decides he wants a giant schlong. As they’re going at it, the man cries out, “I can’t believe I’m letting a leprechaun screw me!” “I can’t believe that you believe I’m a leprechaun!” Two newlyweds go on their honeymoon. As they start getting hot and heavy, the woman says, "Please be careful with me—I'm a virgin." The puzzled man replies, "But you've been married three times before." "I know," she says. "My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and he just wanted to look at it. And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was—God, I miss him." A cowboy is captured by Indians and told that he can have three requests for three days before he is killed. On the first day the cowboy requests his horse. He whispers into the horse's ear and the animal gallops away. The next day the horse returns with a hot blonde. "What's your next request?" ask the Indians. Again the cowboy asks for his horse and whispers something into its ear. The next day the horse returns with a redhead. This time the cowboy walks over to the horse and yells, "Posse, I said I want my posse." Pinocchio and his girlfriend are in bed, doing what wooden puppets do, when she suddenly sighs. He asks her why, and she replies, "You’re probably the best lover I’ve ever had, but every time we make love you give me splinters." This remark bothers Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he seeks advice from Gepetto, who suggests a bit of sandpaper might "smooth out" Pinnochio’s relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanks his creator and goes on his way. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto runs into Pinocchio at the hardware store, where his little wooden friend is buying every package of sandpaper the store has in stock. "So, Pinocchio," Gepetto remarks, "things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?" "Girls?" says Pinocchio, "Who needs girls?" Three cowboys are out on the range talking about sex. "The rodeo position is my favorite," one of the cowboys says. "I don't think I've ever heard of that one." says another. "What is it?" asks the third. "You mount your lady from behind, reach around and grab her tits, and whisper in her ear "These feel just like your sister's, and then try to hold on for eight seconds." Two dwarfs pick up a couple of women and take them back to their hotel rooms. The first dwarf is unable to get an erection. He is further humiliated when he hears his little friend shouting in the next room. "Here I come again!! One, two, three, uhhhhh!" The next morning the second dwarf asks his friend how things went. "It was so embarrassing." he mutters. "I simply couldn't get it up." "You think that's embarrassing?" states the second dwarf. "I couldn't even get on the bed." One night a man is coming on to his wife. "Not tonight," she says, "I'm seeing my gynecologist tomorrow, and I need to be fresh." The man turns over to sleep. Then he asks, "Do you have a dentist appointment too?" A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of three, nine or 12, and asks which the young man wants. “Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s ‘the night.’ We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that. Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.” The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.” He leans over to her and says, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.” A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner. “You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires!” The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, “Did you do what I told you to do?” “Yes, dammit! I got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing!” she shouts. The owner, looking confused, replies, “It’s a perfectly trained frog. I can’t understand what’s wrong.” He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties. “What?” she shouts. Turning to the frog, he says, “Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I’m showing you this!” A woman visits her accountant to file her taxes. He asks her, “What’s your occupation?” The woman says, “I’m a hooker.” The accountant balks and says, “Oh, that’s too crass. Let’s try to rephrase it.” “How about ‘prostitute’” the woman suggests. “That’s still too crude,” he says. They both think for a minute, then the woman blurts out, “Let’s say I’m a chicken farmer.” “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?” the accountant asks incredulously. The woman answers, “I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.” An attractive woman was driving home from a business trip and became very lost. After hours of driving without seeing a single house, she came across a farm where two strapping young men were sitting on the porch swing. "Hello," she said, surprised to see such fine-looking guys. "Hi. My name is Ned and this is my brother Jed," said one of the men. "Can we help you?" "Yes," she said. "I seem to be quite lost. Could you give me directions?" After getting the directions, the woman found herself surprisingly aroused and asked the brothers if they wanted to go into the barn for a roll in the hay. "Sure," they replied in unison, "but we've never been with a woman before." "That's OK, but you have to wear these if we have sex," she responded as she presented them with two condoms. "What are these?" asked Ned. "They're condoms. You have to wear them so I don't get pregnant," she explained. The men agreed and after some barn storming, the woman was back on her way home. A couple of weeks later, Ned and Jed were back on the porch swing when Ned asked, "Jed, do you care if that woman ever gets pregnant?" "No," replied Jed. "Me neither, so let's take these damn things off!" A man walks up to a woman and asks, “Would you sleep with me for $1,000,000?” She quickly replies, “Yes.” So then he asks, “Would you sleep with me for $20?” Astounded by the question she says, “Of course not. What kind of woman do you think I am?” He says, “Well we’ve already determined that. Now I’m just working on a price.” A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor. The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, “I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just say ‘one, two, three’ and you’ll get the largest erection you’ve ever had. After your wife’s been satisfied, simply say ‘one, two, three, four’ and it will disappear for 12 months.” Later that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, “Watch this! One, two, three!” His schlong becomes larger and stiffer than ever before. His wife is amazed. She smiles and says, “That’s great! But what did you say ‘one, two, three’ for?” |
| Personality | Confident |
| Occupation | Grinder |
My Poker Achievements
| Date | Event | Winnings |
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Game Information
| Poker Idol: | Any hot babe playin poker! |
| Favourite game | |
| Structure: | |
| Casino game | |
| Prefers | |
| PokerOnline |
Hobbies & Favourites
| Hobbies | Health and Fitness, Night Life |
| Favourite sports | Baseball, Football |
| Favourite music | Country, Rock, Hard Rock / Metal |
Personal Links
| Link | Description |
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My TopLists
Atlanta Falcons Rule!
- Yep, they sure do!
Latest Visitors
| Nickname | Date | |
|---|---|---|
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battousai77 | 18 Feb, 2008 |
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Verdig | 20 Dec, 2007 |
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uraloser4 | 7 Nov, 2007 |
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mm_wantsome | 19 Aug, 2007 |
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Stevie K | 17 May, 2007 |
