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(Ireland)About me
| Presentation | Enough about me, here's some other peoples jokes.
Zen For Cynics: 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Don't walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone. 2. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works... 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it. 4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. 5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 6.We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. 7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 10.It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. 11.If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car re-payments. 12.Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 13.If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 14.Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day. 15.If you lend someone €20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 16.Don't squat with your spurs on. 17.If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 18.If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people. 19.Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. 20.Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. 21.Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 22.The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 23.Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. 24.A closed mouth gathers no foot. 25.Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 26.The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. 27.Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving. 28.Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 29.Never miss a good chance to shut up. The Top 100 Things I'll Do When I Become An Evil Overlord 1 My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones. 2 My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. 3 My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon. 4 Shooting is not too good for my enemies. 5 The artefact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness. 6 I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them. 7 When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?", I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No." 8 After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out. 9 I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such. 10 I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum - a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well. 11 I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat. 12 One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. 13 All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal. 14 The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request. 15 I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation. 16 I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know." 17 When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice. 18 I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time. 19 I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father. 20 Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly. 21 I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock- offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set. 22 No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head. 23 I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way-even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless-my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks. 24 I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.) 25 No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot. 26 No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber. 27 I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times. 28 My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble. 29 I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion. 30 All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief. 31 All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick. 32 I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by. 33 I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions. 34 I will not turn into a snake. It never helps. 35 I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X. 36 I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison. 37 If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant. 38 If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age. 39 If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army. 40 I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve. 41 Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time- travel devices. 42 When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around. 43 I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans. 44 I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance. 45 I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling. 46 If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor. 47 If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature. 48 I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge. 49 If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper. 50 My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks. 51 If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position. 52 I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about. 53 If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her. 54 I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary. 55 The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention. 56 My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice. 57 Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual. 58 If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner. 59 I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am. 60 My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords. 61 If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them. 62 I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight. 63 Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals. 64 I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage. 65 If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment. 66 My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system. 67 No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full- scale emergency. 68 I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again. 69 All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild. 70 When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner. 71 If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no. 72 If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them. 73 I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win. 74 When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk. 75 I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time. 76 If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.) 77 If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer. 78 I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical." 79 If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins. 80 If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress. 81 If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw. 82 I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure. 83 If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him. 84 I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex. 85 I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button." 86 I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded. 87 My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them. 88 If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again. 89 After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him. 90 I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door. 91 I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important. 92 If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.) 93 If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first. 94 When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value. 95 My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look. 96 My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa. 97 My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled. 98 If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution. 99 Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size. 100 Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access. Here are some Groucho Marx quotes transcribed from http://users.pandora .be/mx/quotes.htm#to p (the rest of the site worth checking out too.) Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. Marriage is wonderful institution... if, of course, you like living in an institution. I don't want to belong to a club that would accept me as a member. The secret of success in showbusiness is honesty and sincerity. Once you learn how to fake that, you've got it made. Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here. A man is as old as the women he feels. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. My brother thinks he's a chicken - we don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs. Here's to our wives and girlfriends... May they never meet. She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse. I have nothing but confidence in you. And very little of that. Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces? Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. Monkey Business : "I know, I know, you're a woman who's been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten your brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night." I'll Say She Is : Chico: "The garbage man is here." Groucho: "Well, tell him we don't want any." Horsefeathers : "Why don't you go home to your wife. I'll tell you what: I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement she'll never know the difference." "You have a falsetto voice? That's funny - my last student had a falsetta teeth." A Day at the Races : Groucho: (to Margaret Dumont, who'd said she'd only marry him if he stopped betting on horses) "Madam, if you agree to marry me, I'll never look at another horse again." Duck Soup: Margaret Dumont: "The ambassador is on a friendly visit, he's had a change of heart." Groucho: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face." Go West : Groucho: "Don't you love your brother?"(meaning Harpo) Chico: "Nah, I'm just used to him." Animal Crackers : Groucho: (as explorer Captain Spaulding, talking about his latest trip to Africa) "We took some pictures of the native girls but they weren't developed. But we're going back again in a couple of weeks !" WAV-clip "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my pajamas I'll never know." A Night at the Opera: Chico: "Don't wake him up, he's got insomnia. He's trying to sleep it of." From an interview with Groucho (83): (talking about Groucho's father) Reporter: "Did he ever fool on your mother?" Groucho: "He must have, there were five brothers." From You Bet Your Life : Groucho: "Is your wife of Italian extraction too?" Contestant on the show: "No, she's a Slav, Groucho." Groucho: "Well, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure with a little practice you can teach her to be neater." Groucho: "You're a mind reader? I'm surprised you're still speaking to me." Groucho: "Miss Lindsay, are you married yet? Well, no use waisting time you know. You're liable to wind up an old maid. Bring her in and we'll wind her up together." Groucho: "You have ten children?" Contestant on the show: "Yes, I love my husband very much." Groucho: "Well, I love my cigar too, but I take it out once in a while." From the radio show The Hollywood Agents : Chico: "I nearly got a job in pictures one time. In a picture called "The Human Race". Groucho: "Yeah? What happened?" Chico: "They said I wasn't the type." From Groucho's appearance on The New Bill Cosby Show (1973) : Bill Cosby: "What do you think of women's rights?" Groucho: "I like both sides of 'em." Groucho: "You're a nice guy, Bill. A little dark, but a nice guy." From The Big Store : Margaret Dumont: "... I'm afraid after we're married a while, a beautiful young girl will come along, and you'll forget all about me." Groucho: "Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week." Groucho with reporters : Reporter: "What do you think of Nixon moving to your neigborhood?" (Nixon moved into a house in Trousdale after losing the 1960 presidential election) Groucho: "I'd rather have him living here than in the White House." Reporter: (in 1975) "Why are you so big all over again?" Groucho: "I'm only five-seven." Reporter: "Do you enjoy being called a living legend?" Groucho: "Yes." Reporter: "Why?" Groucho: "Because I'm dead." Reporter: Do you think sex is dirty? Groucho: Only if you're doing it right. -- Woody Allen recycled this in Annie Hall, as well as Groucho's famous lines "I don't want to belong to a club that would have me as a member" and "My brother thinks he's a chicken, we don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs." Groucho in turn particularly enjoyed Woody's remark "I'm not afraid of dying, I just don't want to be there when it happens." -- Reporter: "So now we have a new president - Ford. What do you think of him?" Groucho: "Well, he's an honest man. He's not too bright, but he's honest. Someone said that he was playing football once and was hit in the head. But at least he's honest !" When Rip Taylor visited Groucho mid 70s : Rip: "How do you do Groucho. My name is Rip Taylor." Groucho: "That's your hard luck. What do you do?" Rip: "I'm a comedian." Groucho: "Well, you haven't said anything funny yet." Rip: "Well, I open my act by coming out onstage in a robe that's covered with long silver tinsel and I say, 'Looks like they shot the Christmas tree !'" Groucho: "And then what? You go home?" Groucho's version of "The Night before Christmas": Twas the night before Christmas, And all through the house, Not a customer was stirring, Not even a louse. Because Christmas week has always Been a drop dead week in the theater. The stockings were hung on The Chorus girls with care, In hopes that some rich playboys Soon would be there. The children were home, Fast asleep in their beds, With visions of B.B. guns (with which to maim their parents) Dancing round in their heads. Mother, of course, was fast asleep, too, Dreaming of mink coats that she wanted to come true. But poor old Father was still wide awake, Thinking of the bills and getting a bad stomach-ache. I'm a big Bill Hicks fan too, heres some of his quoutes. I'll sort them later (take out repeteated ones, censor the cussing if moderators ask me to) http://www.konformist.com/2001/hicks.htm "I'm so sick of arming the world, then sending troops over to destroy the fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries, then we go and blow the shit out of them. We're like the bullies of the world, y'know. We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane, throwing the pistol at the sheepherder's feet. "Pick it up." "I don't wanna pick it up, Mister, you'll shoot me." "Pick up the gun." "Mister, I don't want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble, Mister." "Pick up the gun." (He picks it up. Three shots ring out.) "You all saw him - he had a gun." ****** I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fuckin' mouth. ****** Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you. ****** A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant. ****** Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye. ****** People say "Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world". Yeah, maybe, but you know what, after the first 3 largest armies, there's a REAL big fucking drop-off. The Hare Krishnas are the 5th largest army in the world, and they've already got all our airports. ****** People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction. ****** It's really weird how your life changes. Tonight I'm drinking water. Four years ago? Opium. Night and day, you know? ****** I don't do drugs anymore... than say, the average touring funk band. ****** "This is your brain." I've seen a lot of weird shit on drugs. I have never ever ever ever EVER looked at a fucking egg and thought it was a brain. ****** If you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, then go home and burn all your records, all your tapes, and all your CDs because every one of those artists who have made brilliant music and enhanced your lives? RrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrEAL fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few songs. ****** The musicians today who don't do drugs and in fact speak out against it? "Rock Against Drugs?" BOY do they suck. ****** Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children. ****** Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your ass. ****** I have never seen two people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking IMPOSSIBLE. "Hey, buddy!" "Hey, what?" "Ummmmmmm...." End of argument. ****** We gotta come to some new ideas about life folks ok? I'm not being blase about abortion, it might be a real issue, it might not, doesn't matter to me. What matters is that if you believe in the sanctity of life then you believe it for life of all ages. That's what I hate about this child-worship syndrome going on. "Save the children! They're killing children! How many children were at Waco? They're killing children!" What does that mean? They reach a certain age and they're off your fucking love-list? Fuck your children, if that's the way you think then fuck you too. You either love all people of all ages or you shut the fuck up. ****** Because you know if you play New Kids on the Block albums backwards they sound better. "Oh come on, Bill, they're the New Kids, don't pick on them, they're so good and they're so clean cut and they're such a good image for the children." Fuck that! When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children to listen to people who fucking ROCKED! I don't care if they died in puddles of their own vomit! I want someone who plays from his fucking HEART! ****** I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: " Hey, whatchoo readin' for?" Isn't that the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard? Not what am I readING, but what am I reading *for*? Well, godammit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well... hmmm... I dunno... I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the main one is so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress. ****** Supreme Court says pornography is anything without artistic merit that causes sexual thoughts, that's their definition, essentially. No artistic merit, causes sexual thoughts. Hmm... Sounds like...every commercial on television, doesn't it? You know, when I see those two twins on that Doublemint commercial? I'm not thinking of gum. I am thinking of chewing, so maybe that's the connection they're trying to make. ****** Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet? ****** Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn't the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit... unnatural? You know what I mean? It's nature. How do you make nature against the fucking law? ****** I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage. ****** I dunno how much AIDS scares y'all, but I got a theory: the day they come out with a cure for AIDS, a guaranteed one-shot cure, on that day there's gonna be fucking in the streets, man. ****** I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution. OK, not the most popular idea ever expressed. Either that or you're all real high and agreeing with me in the only way you can right now. (Starts blinking) ****** They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well. You just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference. ****** You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it. ****** I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say "Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it." I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here... ****** No, I don't do drugs anymore, either. But I'll tell you something about drugs. I used to do drugs, but I'll tell you something honestly about drugs, honestly, and I know it's not a very popular idea, you don't hear it very often anymore, but it is the truth: I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids, laughed my ass off, and went about my day. ****** Christianity has a built-in defense system: anything that questions a belief, no matter how logical the argument is, is the work of Satan by the very fact that it makes you question a belief. It's a very interesting defense mechanism and the only way to get by it -- and believe me, I was raised Southern Baptist -- is to take massive amounts of mushrooms, sit in a field, and just go, "Show me." ****** It's just a ride and we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money, a choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your door, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. ****** One of my big fears in life is that I'm gonna die and my parents are going to come to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I've been adding on to for years. ****** We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution. ****** I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out. ****** I'm tired of this back-slapping "Isn't humanity neat?" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are. ****** The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question: "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we kill those people. ****** We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free. ****** That's an act, that's a frying pan, that's a stove, you're an alcoholic! Dude, I'm tripping right now, and I still see that that's a fucking egg, alright? I see the UFO's around it, but that's a goddamn egg in the middle. There's a hobbit eating it, but goddammit that hobbit's eating a fucking egg! He's on a unicorn. But, no, th-th-th-that's a fucking egg. How dare you have a wino tell me not to do drugs! ****** It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious. ****** It's great to be here. I thank you. Ah, I've been on the road doing comedy for ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough through this shit one more time. ****** By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. Thank you, thank you. Just a little thought. I'm just trying to plant seeds. Maybe one day they'll take root. I don't know. You try. You do what you can. Kill yourselves. Seriously though, if you are, do. No really, there's no rationalisation for what you do, and you are Satan's little helpers, OK? Kill yourselves, seriously. You're the ruiner of all things good. Seriously, no, this is not a joke. "There's gonna be a joke coming..." There's no fucking joke coming, you are Satan's spawn, filling the world with bile and garbage, you are fucked and you are fucking us, kill yourselves, it's the only way to save your fucking soul. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself now. Now, back to the show. "You know what Bill's doing now, he's going for the righteous indignation dollar, that's a big dollar, a lot of people are feeling that indignation, we've done research, huge market. He's doing a good thing." Godammit, I'm not doing that, you scumbags, quit putting a godamn dollar sign on every fucking thing on this planet! ****** I've learned a lot about women. I think I've learned exactly how the fall of man occured in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, and Adam said one day, "Wow, Eve, here we are, at one with nature, at one with God, we'll never age, we'll never die, and all our dreams come true the instant that we have them." And Eve said, "Yeah... it's just not enough is it?" ****** Go back to bed, America, your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed America, your goverment is in control. Here, here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up, go back to bed America, here is American Gladiators, here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on the living in the land of freedom. Here you go America - you are free to do what well tell you! You are free to do what we tell you! ****** I'm gonna share with you a vision that I had, cause I love you. And you feel it. You know all that money we spend on nuclear weapons and defense each year, trillions of dollars, correct? Instead -- just play with this -- if we spent that money feeding and clothing the poor of the world -- and it would pay for it many times over, not one human being excluded -- we can explore space together, both inner and outer, forever in peace. Thank you very much. You've been great, I hope you enjoyed it. ****** The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty fucking cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too? ****** If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches? ****** I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side. ****** -- on being censored from "The Late Show with David Letterman" See we just had a misunderstanding. I thought we lived in the U.S. of A., the United States of America. But actually we live in the U.S. of A., the United States of Advertising. Freedom of expression is guaranteed? If you've got the money! ****** Fundamentalist Christianity - fascinating. These people actually believe that the the world is 12,000 years old. Swear to God. Based on what? I asked them. "Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years." Well how fucking scientific, okay. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble. That's good. You believe the world's 12,000 years old? "That's right." Okay, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready? "Uh-huh." Dinosaurs. You know the world is 12,000 years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point. "And lo Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus... with a splinter in his paw. And O the disciples did run a shriekin': 'What a big fucking lizard, Lord!' But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw and the big lizard became his friend. "And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O so many years inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat fucking families and their fat dollar bills. "And oh Scotland did praise the Lord. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord. Thank you Lord." ****** People ask me what I think about that woman priest thing. What, a woman priest? Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen tohttp://quotes.prolix .nu/Authors/?Bill_Hi cks cks How come people always flip and think they're Jesus? Why not Buddha? Particularly in America, where more people resemble Buddha than Jesus. 'Ah'm BUDDHA!' 'You're Bubba!' 'Ah'm Buddha now..All I gotta do is change 3 letters on ma belt...' ****** You know all that money we spend on the military ever year - trillions of dollars? Instead, if we use this money to feed and clothe the poor of this world, which it would do many times over, then we can explore space, inner and outer, together, as one race. ****** What do atheists scream when they come?" ****** And on the seventh day, god stepped back and said "There is my creation, perfect in every way... oh, dammit I left pot all over the place. Now they'll think I want them to smoke it... Now I have to create republicans." ****** Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is mearly energy condensed through a slow vibration, we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, life is only a dream and we are the imaginations of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather. ****** My final point about alchohol, about drugs, about Pornography...What business is it of your's what I do, read, buy, see or take into my body as long as I don't harm another human being whilst on this planet? And for those of you having a little moral dilemna on how to answer this, I'll answer for you. NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS Take that to the bank, cash it and take it on a vacation outta my fucking life. And stop bringing shotguns to UFO sightings, they might be here to pick me up and take me with 'em. ****** Obnoxious , self-righteous, whining little fucks. My biggest fear is that if I quit smoking, I'll become on of you...Don't take that wrong. I have something to tell you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don't know, and I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times. Ready?.......Non-smokers die every day...Enjoy your evening. See, I know that you entertain this eternal life fantasy because you've chosen not to smoke, but let me be the 1st to POP that bubble and bring you hurtling back to reality....You're dead too. ****** I generally love my job. You know what the great thing about being a comic is? I have no boss. That's a definate lifestyle plus isnt it?..Aren't bosses something?.....They're like gnats at a picnic man....Get the fuck out of here buddy, it's just a job, doesn't mean a thing. I smoked a joint this morning, you're lucky I showed...My bed was like a womb man... ****** Think of me as Chomsky with dick jokes. ****** What did moths bump into before the electric light bulb was invented? Boy, the lightbulb really screwed the moth up didn't it? Are there moths on their way to the sun now going, "It's gonna be worth it!" ****** I'm not a girl, I'm a guy you know? But at the same time, I tell ya how you can solve this abortion issue right now. Ready? Those unwanted babies that single moms leave in alleys and in dumpsters? Leave about 12 of those on the steps of The Supreme Court. This is over. Like that. "You guys said we had to have them? Then you guys...FUCKING RAISE 'EM." "Raise 'em then, you fucking fucking raise 'em. YOU raise 'em. You said I had to have it? Then it's yours. Fuck. It's yours..Take it" Here are the finalists from a real life "Dilbert Quotes" contest, ran in a magazine: 1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from FredDalesat Microsoft in Redmond, WA.) 2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping) 3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company) 4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) 5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Manager Accounts Receivable, Organization name withheld) 6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.) 7. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers) 8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) 9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists) 10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division) 11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs) 12. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards) 13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words, which could not be found in Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell) Okay, other peoples songs now. Nine Inch Nails - The Becoming - The Downward Spiral I beat my machine, it's a part of me, it's inside of me. I'm stuck in this dream, it's changing me, i am becoming. The me that you know he had some second thoughts, he's covered with scabs, he is broken and sore, The me that you know he doesn't come around much, that part of me isn't here anymore. All pain disappears. It's the nature of my circuitry. Drowns out all i hear, no escape from this, my new consciousness. The me that you know he used to have feelings but the blood has stopped pumping and he's left to decay, the me that you know is now made up of wires & even when i'm right with you I'm so far away, I can try to get away but i've strapped myself in. I can try to scratch away the sound in my ears. i can see it killing away all of my bad parts. I don't want to listen but it's all to clear. Hiding backwards inside of me, I feel so unafraid. Annie, hold a little tighter, I might just slip away. It wont give up it wants me dead & goddamn this noise inside my head Tool - Hooker with a penis - Ænima I met a boy wearing Vans, 501s & a dope Beastie-T, nipple rings, new tattoos that claimed that he was OGT from '92, the first EP & in between sips of Coke he told me that he thought we were sellin' out, layin' down, suckin' up to the man. Well now I've got some advice for you little buddy, before you point the finger you should know that I'm the man, & if I'm the man then you're the man & He's the man as well so you can point that fuckin' finger up your ass. All you know about me is what I've sold you, dumb fuck. I sold out long before you ever heard my name. I sold my soul to make a record, dipshit, & you bought one. So I've got some advice for you little buddy, before you point your finger you should know that I'm the man, If I'm the fuckin' man then you're the fuckin' man as well, so you can point that fuckin' finger up your ass. All you read & wear or see & hear on TV Is a product begging for your fatass dirty dollar, so shut up & buy. Buy. Buy my new record. Buy. Send more money. Fuck you, buddy. Pantera - Regular People (Conceit) - Vulgar Display of Power I've trampled on that road, that you think you own. You have that "smart ass" attitude. It's time to stop the fiction. I live it every day, while you're mind's far away, I'm out here putting pride on the line and you case on me with pure respect. One chance at one thing. Hard time is coming. My time, your pain, I reign on you. You think you own, I take away, take it with me. You think you own, I took away, made it my own. Most regular people would say "it's hard" and any streetwise son of a bitch knows "Don't fuck with this" The so many times you practice in your mirror to be just like me, but you just can't see (you ain't got the balls, son) I fight for love of brother, your friends fight one another, you can't see because your head's up your ass and just in cast you think you're bad... I crush your rush. I rule you, fool. I'm immovable stone in your world of weak -- I speak. Led Zeppelin - When The Levee Breaks - ... If it keeps on rainin’, levee’s goin’ to break, When the levee breaks I’ll have no place to stay. Mean old levee taught me to weep and moan, Lord, Got what it takes to make a mountain man leave his home, oh well. Don’t it make you feel bad when you’re tryin’ to find your way home, you don’t know which way to go? If you’re goin’ down south they got no work to do, if you don’t know about chicago. Cryin’ won’t help you, prayin’ won’t do you no good, When the levee breaks, mama, you got to move. All last night sat on the levee and moaned, thinkin’ ’bout me baby and my happy home. Going, go’n’ to chicago, Sorry but I can’t take you. Going down now, going down. Wow, plagerism can be fun. I love to hear from strangers in my guestbook, so don't be too shy to sign it. See you on the tables. "I'm not the showstopper. I'm the whole Fu*kin' show" - Rob Van Dam "## Give me some money." - Dimebag |
| Personality | Nerd |
| Occupation |
My Poker Achievements
| Date | Event | Winnings |
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Game Information
| Poker Idol: | |
| Favourite game | |
| Structure: | |
| Casino game | |
| Prefers | |
| PokerOnline |
Hobbies & Favourites
| Hobbies | Business and Investments, Night Life, Eating Out |
| Favourite sports | |
| Favourite music | Jazz, Blues, Rock, Hard Rock / Metal, Electronic, R&B / Soul, Hip Hop / Rap |
Personal Links
| Link | Description |
|---|---|
| Yahoo! Launchcast | Personalise your own radio station, skip songs you don't want to hear and mark up the bands/songs/albums you like. |
| Wikipedia | A non profit Wiki encyclopedia. Ask it anything, and if you know the answer's wrong, correct it. |
My TopLists
Latest Visitors
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Crncugaking | 27 Dec, 2008 |
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MAD_CAP | 21 May, 2007 |
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