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PonchOStarr
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(Slovenia)Sobre mí
| Presentación | IF YOU'RE HERE, THEN SIGN MY GUESTBOOK PLEASE. All EUROPEAN PLAYERS: join group Europe Something aboutme: Live in Slovenia-Europe(near Italy) Like movies,books,games,sports,fun,cute girls -but not in that order  Here are some jokes 4 u-enjoy: Dirty! A young girl is sitting in a barber shop with her mother, eating a twinkie, and anxiously awaiting her first hair cut. When her turn comes, she brings her twinkie with her to the chair, and the barber covers her. Soon, she pulls the twinkie out for a bite. "You're getting hair on your twinkie," the barber playfully warns. "Yes, I know," replies the girl. "And I'm getting boobs, too." The Rodeo Position Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first guy says, "My favorite position is the rodeo position." "What is the rodeo position, and how do you do that?" asks the second man. The first guy explains, "Well, first you tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours, and then you do it doggy- style. Once things start to get underway, and shes really into it, you lean forward and whisper in her ear, Your sister likes this position too... Then, try to hang on for 8 seconds." A Helping Hand Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob is standing there taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, Can you unzip my zipper? Bob says, OK Then the man says, Can you pull it out for me? Bob replies, UH, yeah, OK... Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and bob points it for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, Thanks, Man, I really appreciate it. Bob says, No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?. The guy pulls his arms out of shirt and says, I don't know, but I AIN'T TOUCHING IT... One day wee jordy was out walking with his lass in the fields of scotland, while walking through the heather the lass says; "ah wee jordy i can tell you want to hold my hand! wee jordy says "aye lass that i do, but how can you tell? Well she says "i can tell by the gleam in your eye." Walking along a bit further she says to him "wee jordy i can tell you want to give me a kiss". "well I lass that i do, but how can you tell?" "ah wee jordy, i can tell by the gleam in your eye!" Walking along a bit further she says "wee jordy i can tell you want to make love to me". he says, "aye lass that i do! you can tell by the gleam in my eye!" "No!" she says... "by the tilt in your kilt!" Just after I got married, I decided to have a night with "the boys." I told the misses that I would be home by midnight...promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. The next morning the misses asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'sh*it,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice then giggled." A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love. "That must be rather difficult." the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset." A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door. When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed, "Get the hell away!" Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case. Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, "Yes!" The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!" Secret tips for making a marriage last... 1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY. 3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. 4. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" 5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down !" So I bought her an electric chair. 7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake." 8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now! 9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off... 10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!" Penis A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help. The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter." Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Frog, will you marry me?" The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No." The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks, let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!" Zappo! The guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Frog, will you marry me?" The irritated frog yells back, "Look, how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!" The Atheist A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesnt even believe theres a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, well show him how wrong he is." SANTA One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys." So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?" "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls and boys." She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my di*ck this way! Alcohol in place of women A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women." "Yeah what happened?" asked his friend. The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle." Problems Below A man is having problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but youve overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out. You only have 30 erections left in your penis." The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh no! Only 30 times! We shouldnt waste that! We should make a list!" He replies, "I already made a list on the way home, and Im afraid youre name isnt on it." Serious Medical Problem Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating. "Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die" "Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed." On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient. "Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?" The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan." Meeting The Parents A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." Begging For It One night after a date, a guy takes his girlfriend home. After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: "Honey, would you give me a blow job?" Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?" "No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you..." Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom." Is Laughter Really The Best Medicine? A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife also. The doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked." Circumcision A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me." "I know " grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches." Top 10 Halloween Things that Sound Dirty 10. Shes a goblin 9. Id like to get a little something in the sack. 8. Let me see your bag....OH-Youre having a great night 7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head. 6. Shes got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch 5. If you just lick it, itll last longer. 4. Show me your JuJuBees and Ill let you see my Zagnuts. 3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth, 2. You scared me stiff 1. Hes got Candy spread out on the living room floor Things only a Mother can Teach 1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home." 2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You are going to get it when we get home!" 3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Dont talk back to me!" 4. My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me." 5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE... "If you dont stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." 6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD... "If you dont pass your spelling test, youll never get a good job." 7. My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; dont you think I know when youre cold?" 8. My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, dont come running to me." 9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you dont eat your vegetables, youll never grow up." 10. My Mother taught me about SEX.... "How do you think you got here?" 11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "Youre just like your father." 12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?" 13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand." 14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE... "One day youll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you... then youll see what its like" Leaving Work Early Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday. At the end of a long crime fighting day, Superman decides he needs to relax for a few hours, so he rings spiderman to see if he'd like to go out for a drink. Spiderman replies "No, I have to repair my web spinner." So, Superman rings a few more of his super hero friends and they're all busy. He decides in the end to go for a quick super-fly around the world to clear his mind before bed time. As he passes over Wonder-Woman's mansion he sees her lying naked and spread eagle next to her pool. Hmmm he thinks, with my super powers I'll fly down for a quickie and before she realizes I'll be gone. So he swoops down and "WHAM BAM thank you maam" and he's gone. Wonder- Woman shreiks "What was that?" And the invisible man cries "I don't know, but I've sure got a sore as*s!!!" Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get. Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't? A. A navel. Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine? A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later. Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve? A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam. Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat? A. A Klondike Bar Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man? A. "How do you breath through something so small?" Q. Why don't women wear watches? A. There's a clock on the stove! Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob? A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob. Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman. Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook. Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common? A. They both like a tight seal. Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin? A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week. Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other? A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN! Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator? A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me. Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys? A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving. Q. What's the difference between love and herpes? A. Love doesn't last forever. Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex? A. Call her and tell her. Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it. A. The thief was spending less then his wife. Q. Why do women have small feet? A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. Q. Why do men die before their wives? A. They want to. Q. How do men sort out their laundry? A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable. Q. What's the difference between a man and ET? A. ET phoned home. Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet? A. It doesn't need cleaning. Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear? A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes. Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock? A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck! Q. What do you call kids born in wh*ore*houses? A. Brothel sprouts. Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman? A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them. Q. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties? A. Clitty litter Q. I married Miss Right. A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always." Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women? A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there. Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself? A. He's smoking a cigarette. Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? A. He worked it out with a pencil. Q. Who's the world's greatest athlete? A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest. Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance? A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week? A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week! Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego... A. "Is it in?" Q. What is the cheapest meat? A. Deer balls, there under a buck. Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count? A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows. Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise? A. The captains log. Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out? A. A lesbian with a hard-on. Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection. Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe? A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off! Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats? A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes. Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times" A city boy wanted to marry a country girl. She insists that he has to ask her father for her hand in marriage. So off he goes to their farm to ask her father. "I want to marry your daughter". "Well, my boy you will have to prove to me that you are a man worthy of my daughter." "I'll do anything for my love" says the young man. "You see that cow out in the pasture? Well go sc*rew it." A little puzzled the boy says, "OK, anything for my love" On his return of doing his deed, he asks, "Now can I marry your daughter?" "Nope." says the father, "See that goat over yonder? Well, Go screw it." Again the boy obliges and returns saying, "Now can I marry your daughter?" "Nope. Not yet -- one more thing. See that pig in the sty? Well go to it." Once again he obliges and returns. This time the farmer is amazed at seeing this boy doing these deeds just to marry his daughter. So the father finally tells the boy, "Now you can marry my daughter." To which the boy replies, "S*CREW YOUR DAUGHTER, HOW MUCH YOU WANT FOR THAT PIG?" Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads for the night. In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says, "No." Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "OK! What do you think?" He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue." Something about my country: Population: 1,972,227 (July 1994 est.) Population growth rate: 0.23% (1994 est.) Birth rate: 11.81 births/1,000 population (1994 est.) Death rate: 9.5 deaths/1,000 population (1994 est.) Net migration rate: 0 migrant(s)/1,000 population (1994 est.) Infant mortality rate: 8.1 deaths/1,000 live births (1994 est.) Life expectancy at birth: total population: 74.36 years male: 70.49 years female: 78.44 years (1994 est.) Total fertility rate: 1.67 children born/woman (1994 est.) Nationality: noun: Slovene(s) adjective: Slovenian Ethnic divisions: Slovene 91%, Croat 3%, Serb 2%, Muslim 1%, other 3% Religions: Roman Catholic 96% (including 2% Uniate), Muslim 1%, other 3% Languages: Slovenian 91%, Serbo-Croatian 7%, other 2% Literacy: total population: NA% male: NA% female: NA% Labor force: 786,036 by occupation: agriculture 2%, manufacturing and mining Government Names: conventional long form: Republic of Slovenia conventional short form: Slovenia local long form: Republika Slovenije local short form: Slovenija Digraph: SI Type: emerging democracy Capital: Ljubljana Administrative divisions: 60 provinces (pokajine, singular - pokajina) Ajdovscina, Brezice, Celje, Cerknica, Crnomelj, Dravograd, Gornja Radgona, Grosuplje, Hrastnik Lasko, Idrija, Ilirska Bistrica, Izola, Jesenice, Kamnik, Kocevje, Koper, Kranj, Krsko, Lenart, Lendava, Litija, Ljubljana-Bezigrad, Ljubljana-Center, Ljubljana-Moste-Polje, Ljubljana-Siska, Ljubljana-Vic-Rudnik, Ljutomer, Logatec, Maribor, Metlika, Mozirje, Murska Sobota, Nova Gorica, Novo Mesto, Ormoz, Pesnica, Piran, Postojna, Ptuj, Radlje Ob Dravi, Radovljica, Ravne Na Koroskem, Ribnica, Ruse, Sentjur Pri Celju, Sevnica, Sezana, Skofja Loka, Slovenj Gradec, Slovenska Bistrica, Slovenske Konjice, Smarje Pri Jelsah, Tolmin, Trbovlje, Trebnje, Trzic, Velenje, Vrhnika, Zagorje Ob Savi, Zalec Independence: 25 June 1991 (from Yugoslavia) National holiday: Statehood Day, 25 June (1991) Constitution: adopted 23 December 1991, effective 23December 1991, joined EU in may 2005 if you'l be near Slovenia-please visit it- it is werry beautiful |
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